Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

mood

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.