Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

I’m not sorry.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.