Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit