doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
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Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I’m sorry…what?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.