Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo