Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Boom, boom, ching!

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls