Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

me to God

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done