Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

What fresh Hell is this?!?

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

*orders delivery*

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…