Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news đ
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasnât putting in enough shifts.
WIFE: Itâs great having kids, isnât it?
ME: Oh yeah, itâs the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Oh, calm down⌠One Cobra bite and youâre falling to pieces!
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so Iâd have an excuse to tell passengers, âWhere weâre going, we donât need roads.â
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didnât work
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you canât save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, âLetâs order pizza tonight.â
You would think with the whole âwhat doesnât kill you makes you strongerâ that there would be more body builders walking around.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: Iâm sociable and can pretend to get along with most peopleâŚ.
Interviewer: er, âŚ.. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: ermâŚ.*thinking furiously*âŚ. bladder??
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie heâs gonna sleep through.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no oneâs about to stab me cuz Iâm thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
being in a club at my age feels more like iâm being set-up for an episode of âTo Catch a Predatorâ
Son:Dadâs trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now sheâs playing with a ball she found and is acting like thatâs what she wanted all along
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Standing at lifeâs crossroads: embarking on a masterâs degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in todayâs market.
âAre you okay?â
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: Youâre excu-STOP THAT!
Legend has it that if you donât look a coworker in the eye they wonât stop to tell you about their weekend.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I donât want things to get creepy.
Whoeverâs job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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