Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.