Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.