DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
You Might Also Like
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Lmao the reply
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.