Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.