Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody