doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
But I really needed water water water
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.