Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.