doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Still my favorite headline of all time:
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.