Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Watson was Holmes schooled

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

It’s that simple 👊🏻

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅