Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
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Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
well this is just bullshirt
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.