Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
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*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My whole life was a lie.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
it is time once again