Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”