Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

rebranding

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

yeet

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.