Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I only buy the essentials on Amazon.
*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.
Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?
Me: no, it says “worked it”
I: worked what?
[disco ball drops]
[rips off pants]
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*