doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Unimpressed
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?