doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

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Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”


I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors


They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.


wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?


I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*


I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”


Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.


Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?

Me: no, it says “worked it”

I: worked what?

[disco ball drops]

[rips off pants]
Me: “it”


[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*