Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.