Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
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Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.