Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
S M O L
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.