DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
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Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Seek kebab; not attention
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.