Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.