Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

I will never stop laughing at this

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

My safe word is Worcestershire

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see