Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂