Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Ah..makes sense now
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me