Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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Netflix: We have Less
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
not to brag, but mine was free
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
me and the Superbowl rn
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
whenever i wake up before my alarm
