Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Yeah. This was me today.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling