Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
You Might Also Like
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.