Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.