Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

definitely did not do anything wrong

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

get you a girl who

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

That lamp looks PISSED.

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.