Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

October 31

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet