Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”