Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not