Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

🤣

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs