Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.