doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
We have a winner.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums