Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?