doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.