Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
You Might Also Like
grotesque if literal: baby food
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”