Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520