Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Go hard or stay average

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs