Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]