DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
What
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
War & Peace
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions