@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

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@autocorrects

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@senorlumpy

You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.

@mjm866

My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.

@TheBoydP

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

@bridger_w

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

@Elizasoul80

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

@capnwatsisname

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

@chris_isloi

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

@michaelianblack

Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?

@UnexpectedSAHM

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.