DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination


You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.


My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.


Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.


I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree


I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.


Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates


Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”


Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?


3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.