Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.