Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit