DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother