Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

Boom, boom, ching!

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.