Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have been warned.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.