Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

what are they serving at kfc then???

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Not today