DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.