Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.