Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

My kitchen overserved me.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?