Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia