Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

We don’t deserve birds.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.