Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced