Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

I hope they boil the right one.

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

who’s gonna tell her?

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?