Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Woke up against my better judgement again

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*