DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”