Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman