Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!