DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
#Caturday
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*