@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

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@BMcCarthy32

WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS

@WittySassBasket

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@jake_lach

Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark

@BeTheCookie

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

@xoCAMILLAxo

I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!

@shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

@aquickschnack

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”