WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
You Might Also Like
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”