Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

live, laugh, laundry.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.