“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
mechanics be like
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
How to wake up a Beagle
Jupiter
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’