Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Lol #dogsoftwitter

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

.

.

.

.

.

.

…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this