doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.