Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?