Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
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Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws