doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Steam Forums
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
i was baptized in a car wash
they should invent a hydrating liquor
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*