Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
snake: i have a question
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god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Things you can’t touch:
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’m like a kid. People like me best when I’m quiet or sleeping.