doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
The legends were true
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank